"Another Fine Mess"
13 March 2025: New Name - Audio Message - Know Your Audience - Recent Endeavours - Lovesick - Scribbles and an hour long MIXTAPE to make it all seem worth it! xx
Some days, I’m Snow White. Other days- I’m the poisoned apple!
*NEW NAME INTRO: These letter are not meant to be taken to heart *LOL*JustClingingOn is trying to see the ‘funnier side of it all'!*
Alright! How’s Tricks!?
I don’t know how to greet you in a way which will make me sound good enough for you to invest a few moments of your priceless time in me! Unlike real life, I really DO want to talk to you. In the street I’m a cross between a shy person and an arsehole. I look at my feet and when someone ‘let’s on’. I hesitantly look up, smile, nod, head down, carry on walking ‘casual’ gradually increasing the speed whilst trying to remain as inconspicuous as possible, hoping it’s not too obvious that I’m agitated and a little bit pissed off. I can’t guarantee that you’ll see a better side to me now, just know this: I WANT YOU HERE WITH ME. I’M GLAD YOU ARE READING THIS AND I’VE RECORDED SOMETHING TO SHOW ME‘LETTING ON’TO YOU.x
A Messy Message Awaits You HERE:
13 March 2025
Hello Everyone!
Its been a while since I sent something out to you on this newsletter (well, the publication title was *NEW*JustClingingOn AND I recently updated it to become *LOL*JustClingingON because I didn’t have an exact reason to write here.. not knowing what to talk about like I do with all of my other newsletters.
I have decided to come here when I’m feeling a bit less serious and more playful or in the mood to take the mick out of my horrendous life!
I haven’t managed to keep this first letter light and breezy or even remotely funny but the stage is set now all the same. I don’t really know who I am sending this out to, I never do, but it’s important for me to let you know why I am here and what I’m doing.
For Example:
The Daily Chase: cdelaney.substack.com was also struggling until I decided to dedicate that ‘daily’ space towards Music Playlists - which I have been good at keeping up with to date. My original newsletter JustClingingOn is a place where I watch my P’s & Q’s and talk honestly and politely about my real life experiences, family, relationships, health and happiness. I do a poetry one but have turned away from poetry for the time being so no point linking it here (you’re welcome to subscribe from my profile if you wish). Then there became my ‘side-stack’ called chasingthemuse which is where I’ve been doing all of my ‘hanging out’ lately.
Let me explain my recent endeavours *shame*:
If you’re remotely curious as to where I have been or what I’ve been doing. I’ve been focusing on this situation where I had a bit more than a crush, a full blown obsession with feeling like I was in love with this ‘imaginary’ person. I say it that way because although they do exist, they didn’t pay much mind to my attraction and didn’t reciprocate (thankfully) any of this. It was a little distraction I had - a sort of disassociation from my real life and the situation of my actual relationships.
As you know my relationship is now cemented (sort of) and has reached the anti-climatic status of being ‘comfortable’ together. We both spend time in silence that isn’t awkward, or in solitude together, we sleep in the same bed (emphasis on sleep) and, the closest personal things we share we each other now are the mutual smells in the toilet! I love my partner. I just wanted to be in-love. I wanted to be in the actual throws of being in love. A little more exciting that just throwing the remote over to him.
I spent a bit of time getting lost in writing from the perspective of a person who was falling head over heals in love with someone. I tapped into the version of me that wasn’t afraid to display their desires out in the open. My main mistake was also explaining and expressing my feelings to the person of my attention who knew I called him The MUSE and, although he may or may not have thought it was crazier than I was; he humoured me and became a ‘friend’ (or so I thought). He wasn’t any kind of friend towards me really.
It seemed he was keen to lap up all the attention from me and keep me sweet but at the same time he was talking shit about me behind my back, making out that I was causing him problems, where in reality he was always reassuring me that I was more than welcome in his life and, that I should make it more of a reality by going to meet him in person. I started going off him because he had made it feel more serious than just a daydream.
I swear it had nothing to do with him revealing (might have been a ploy to put me off) that he was in fact a ‘small person’ - it was the slyness surrounding this revelation that I did get on to which it turn did what he had intended, along with his interest towards me in private becoming lots more welcoming, it sliced through my fantasy with a harsh glimmer of reality hitting me hard and putting me off. After that I told him personally that I was going to withdraw from loving him in future, and could we start again our ‘friendship’ thing? I told him we should be strangers.
Then he turned gangsta on me. Started telling me my behaviour was very narcissistic because he thought that I thought that the things he was saying and posting on his Instagram were about me! I’m sorry but shitty little horoscope quotes hardly cut the mustard to me. They’re NOT the sort of subliminal message that’d peak my interest. Nothing that I’d love to interpret as being a ‘sign’ that this is aimed at or relates to me.
Between you and me, I never paid attention to the content on his feed. He could just ‘fuck off with all his woo shit’ for all I cared! If I had any inclination he was sending me smoke signals by star sign traits posted on reels, I’d be rounding up some new tribe, heading east to get so far away from his cowboy arse. Trust me for a creative person his posts are about as flat as my tits are from the side.
He decided to try and embarrass me even more than I was already embarrassed by myself (for ever entertaining thoughts of this sausage!) like I said, he’d demonstrated his opinions to me via disappearing voice clips on Instagram. I was aware he was calling me a narcissist. I also suspected that I was hot topic where his crew and friends were concerned with the mention of my name. He told them that he would make a point of ‘calling me out’ on a public platform, without giving too much away we’ll say- it’s online but he had the option to put it behind ‘paywalls’ (I’m not talking about Substack, but trying to explain it discretely).
I can’t remember how I got wind of this public announcement thing happening, all I know is that some of the people around him said; they can’t wait for this ‘thing’ where they’ll be feeling awkward for an hour or something like that. He did this public thing, very subtle for his usual personality, but I was there all the same. Remember I had ‘left the building’ told him I wouldn’t be there again and that was that.
As soon as I heard this thing was going to happen I popped back in in time to be ‘called out’ for allowing some clickbait title to draw me in apparently. “If this triggers you.. he began.. and you think this is about YOU” he continued. “The you’ve obviously got issues. Then he does no more than repeats his exact spiel that he had voice clipped to me and then said “but this isn’t about YOU or anyone in particular it’s only hypothetical! So, I just dropped into the chat, interjecting, so tell us who you’re talking about.
He had already thrown the narcissist accusation out, saying deal with YOUR own self hatred etc. Then adding a stereotypical symptom of schizophrenia which is quite unflattering and inaccurate. (I don’t think any symptom of schizophrenia could be called complementary but still its not the point). I felt like the room already knew all about this opinion of his about me.
I saw his charisma darken in front of my eyes and felt a wee bit sorry for him. He didn’t expect me to say anything, also he knows the truth behind our conversations and he has probably been doing the one-sided version of things to everyone else. I was about to say its funny how this same conversation happened between us already and now it looks like you’re only saying it here in public to cause embarrassment on me, but that would have been petty. Instead, I took to my own platform(s) and was even more petty. I wrote this:
GREAT! Now I’ve written all of that rubbish, and got it out of my system, I realise that I have failed on my first letter roll out with a new lease and light look on life, I have in fact taken you all on this ugly expedition with me and re-shamed myself in doing so. I feel like I’m a mess but my head’s in an ‘alright place’ like I should revel in my messiness.
All I want to do in future is to talk about my real issues and struggles as a schizophrenic hermit having a mid-life crisis, contemplating the meaning and purpose of life and hiding behind the shy and unattractive appearance, when after all has been good and said; my late Dad was probably right all along when he said:
“You’re just a hedonistic bitch who will still be fucking up you’re 40. I will still be telling you to sort your head out!” - (that was Dad, he died before I turned 40).
All I will try to do in future is carry his humour along with me (he wasn’t joking in that observational comment above by the way!) he did give me an awesome sense of humour which I don’t use half enough (at least in writing). That’s what I’m here to do.. only NEXT TIME in my next letter. I hope you can stick around to see just how easy or difficult that will prove to be for an Introverted Extravert like me. Apologies for dragging you down the sewers with me this time. Sign up everywhere and it’ll get better.
Best Wishes,
CD..XXX
PS: THANK YOU FOR READING! HAVE A FREE MIXTAPE ON ME:
Chasey Delaney in Manchester, (Northern Riff Raff!) age: 42.
You've "got issues" - great assessment. After XX years on this planet I still can't find anyone who doesn't... if you read my latest entry on Substack (50 Pound Avocado - scheduled to come out in an hour) you'll see that I am right down there in the sewer a great deal of the time anyway. Keep on writing!