GO WITH LOVE💗 Two Good People In a Bad Relationship! (an update).x
30 MAY 2024 - On a Side Note it's our 14th Year Anniversary tomorrow so as they say when someone dies old - We've had a good innings. This is where I am right now. x
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2024
Dear Chasers💗
I’ve been putting off writing about certain parts of my relationship and have averted most of my attention to my fantasy ‘relationship’ my own feelings towards some random stranger / acquaintance that I decided to call ‘The Muse’ all of my references to The Muse are here:
There are a couple of odd blog posts about my sexless life and surprisingly unfitting, something about Charles Bukowski and a musing in my bathtub thrown into the mix. Please only read what you see fit if it sounds interesting to you. My writing is so sporadic and personal experiences, writing endeavours and mood musing is spread across a plethora of platforms on substack. See below to sign up for emails (subscribe) to each and any - all if you prefer. I would love to see you there!
Housekeeping done now.
Lets begin where I feel I can (for the record I believe that this newsletter may or may not take me much longer than one full week to complete). I was only just saying on my podcast message on The Daily Chase Newsletter and Podcast that I tend to either get shit done in the same day or two days maximum otherwise any half finished documents are just banished to the vortex because I have lost that momentum.
However, this one. Is one that’s been in the running for quite some time. Everytime, I really wanted to talk about what’s going on at home, I have been so very angry and was so ‘in the moment’ that I wouldn’t have done it any justice. I did try to start a few times and have numerous untitled files on my drive that I have opened to find one line: “I hate this fucking house” and words to a similar affect.
I have consciously and inadvertently avoided discussing my circumstances surrounding this weird and often wonderful volatile, as opposed to completely toxic, co-dependant(?) fourteen year relationship. *Spoiler: I am still in love with my partner no matter how ridiculous that makes me look! I actually don’t mind how I come across to everyone because what you think about me or my behaviour has nothing whatsoever to do with me. Your opinion matters to me. I just know that unless you express how you feel directly to me it is private to you.
Everything Appears Petty On Paper
I do sound ridiculous as I have often spent time in my mind imagining how to love someone unconditionally, and for a long time I just couldn’t allow myself to trust or focus that kind of love on him, so I did what any ‘respectable’ human being in my situation would do; I diverted most of my attention towards an outsider who became the Object of My Attention. It wasn’t fake in any way, shape or form. I don’t just close my eyes and put a pin on the online community clipboard map. (I could’ve phrased that in a better way which made more sense but I enjoyed the sound of those words in sequence underneath my fingertips!).
There’s a thing called Limerence which I have touched on previously and as I am not here to talk about the recently dismissed (obsolete) Muse who I will give a good farewell send off maybe in a week or two. (By that I just mean I no longer wish to pursue my obsession and love infatuation with the oblivious dude online). I withdrew once they removed they’re side of any innocent friendship, care and courtesy towards me. I guess you could say I was fobbed off (and I really was in the end) but also I was Just Clinging On until I had the final word to let it go.
Again, this isn’t about that part of my emotionally charged experiences over the few weeks or months where I have been AWOL from *NEW*JustClingingOn and although I have been taking leave of abstinence here I did have a method in my madness for holding on and… reasons! Let’s get around to what’s been keeping me up at night and fucking with my mind on a daily. Just general feelings, observations and emotions will feature in the following ‘Essay’ if you will because
I have waited to process everything which torments me, upsets me, frustrates me, and I wish to write it out from a higher head ground and a place of comfort and ease. This should explain why it has been difficult for me, on the one hand I have a lot to say when I am angry and emotional but can’t type it out or formulate a sentence. When I am content and comfortable (like today) I have all the ability to produce some writing, the motivation is there but the memories are diluted and weaker than usual.
I am going to do the best I can to provide us both, you and me, with a birds eye view of how life has been for a “dickhead schizophrenic freak” like me. I want to give a gentle, loving perspective of a hardship and complicated (possibly doomed) sometimes loving and caring, thoughtful romantic (pttf..) relationship, in the words of an old soul with a heart of gold.. Also like me!!
Where do I even begin?
There’s no beginning, just a climatic sign of disrespect which I guess, and I do believe this is true, will be the marker of the beginning of the end for our relationship. As much as I have come to the decision to step back in to showering him with the love, money and attention he thinks he deserves from me, that I only wanted to do when I was happy with him but now I am continuing upon certain introspective thinking - I think is my subconscious last ditch attempt to win back his affections before it’s too late. It’s already too late.
I woke up from a dream…
…where I had been getting freezing cold feet and he wouldn’t let me wear a pair of the new socks that I’d bought him. He left me out in the cold so I took it upon myself to buy trainers to keep my feet warm. He was angry about it then he disappeared. I found myself stripping down naked to discover that I had soiled my bottoms (the dream was true to life in that he wont let me wear his socks even though all mine are lost to the Gods, he does get annoyed if I tried to spend any of my money on myself and I don’t wear knickers!) The part where he disappears probably reflects on my ‘selfish’ response to the way I was being mistreated. I am not an expert on the field of dreams but it's apparent to me that if I did carry on neglecting his need for everything then I would be losing him quicker than before.
It’s the small stuff.
These relatively new examples of problems that started when we decided to quit buying cocaine on tic all the time because I was getting sick and tired of spending all my money on it. I was becoming more paranoid and depressed about the aftereffect of having to borrow money from my Mum to support us financially with the mere basics; like food, toiletries and tobacco. I want to buy my own essentials and extras without the help of others. He agreed to us changing but never really stuck to anything and deep down I kept noticing his withdrawal from the situation with me because he wasn’t getting what he wants these things:
He would wake up, grab his phone then wake me up kick me out of bed by telling me I need to get up now then he will just lay comfortable in bed on his phone most of the morning while I get on with sorting the dog’s water and breakfast, letting her out for a wee and getting myself up and ready. In between he will be shouting things that need doing ASAP like making stupid phone calls that have you on hold for half a day most of the time. Or reminding me of all the cleaning I am going to do ASAP.
He would leave a trail of mess wherever he went and no matter how many times I would pick stuff up or say ‘’stop dumping all your shit on my desk’’ he would do it even more. Telling me that all my ‘office belongings’ like books, paper and other stuff - was “just a load of fucking junk get rid of it”
He stopped cleaning anything like the bathroom or kitchen when it was his turn. The dishes he was using. The clothes we both had in the shared pile of laundry. He would sift out his own clothes and wash them then make me hang them out to dry. That’s fine but whenever I tried to do mine he would tell me I couldn’t use the washing machine because there wasn’t enough electricity left or soap power and comfort and he didn’t want the heating on or something else would make him force me to put it off for another day.
I would end up not having much to wear and using the same clothes more than I really should have done. Three to four days in a row the same dress. He didn’t care about my things and often when he spilt something in the kitchen when he was cooking for himself, like grease or sauces, he would help himself to my clothes from the laundry pile and use dresses to mop it up then throw them out. Sometimes I wouldn’t find out until I was looking for it and he would say he binned it because “all your clothes are shitty old hand-me-downs anyway. He is right, they were given to me by a 70 year old woman and also my 60 year old auntie. Just ASDA dresses and tops to wear (not my style but I got used to it) and they were important to me because I never get to buy much of anything for myself that I need.
He would always tell me how I don’t dress properly enough like a woman. I would want to wear his sports stuff because that was my own chavvy (I would say sporty style but as he says ‘you’re far too fat to be sporty’) that I have always felt most comfortable in around the house. But when those ladies gave me some female ASDA flowery, spotty, leaf-print type things - he just took the piss out of me. Honestly, I felt frumpy as fuck but I just couldn’t do anything about it. I often still wore his stuff and if we argued he would force me to take his clothes off (or rip them off me himself).
Complained about my lack of doing anything - even though I was running around like a dickhead doing everything he was demanding I do for him.
Would ask me to do everything he needed done all day everyday from; passing him things to checking things he needed checked like the gate being open every 5 minutes whenever he waited for a parcel, make phone calls for him, put his socks on, take them off for him, go into the room he is in and check what the dog is chewing, go into the room he is in and turn the light on for him, adjust the fan for him to make sure it's blowing in his direction, take his pates and cup out, fill his water bottle up various times a day. He did nothing that a regular person would do for themselves and it felt degrading.
The final sign of disrespect that signals we are both on different paths going forward.
He ended up going to his brother's house twice in two weeks and racked up a debt for me and him to pay £320 (on beer and sniff) to come out of our joint account at a later date. Meaning that if I won’t participate in the cocaine habitual thing here at home; he will just go out and spend our (sometimes mostly my money) on doing it with his brother and whoever the fuck girls they entertain too.
I have been off the cocaine for about 9 weeks now, I was never an addict but I’m keeping track of time because they say it takes 90 days to change your life and I’m just clinging on to that being the case. I think the change will come where I get what I want, or think I need but don’t actually want and that’s him to leave.
That was the basic outline (skirting around the and the main event) bringing me to where I am now. I am just left with my feelings.
I can’t discuss other more dangerous situations we have been in because it’s still happening to me. I just needed to document something, anything to express this way I am feeling about everything. He is currently threatening to change my medication on me - something he can’t do without my permission but tells me it’s not working.
I am out with the ‘gaslights’ looking for myself - adaptive quote by Emily Bronte
My psycho doctors have already suggested that I am doing really well with my mental health considering the descriptions of paranoid delusional symptoms.They say my depressive episodes are situational and it could well be that I have relationship problems that are affecting my mental health. They don’t know any of my experiences with my relationship, only that I find it hard to trust him.
He makes out to them I am constantly paranoid and always accusing him of things (something I managed to stop doing once on the medication I am currently on - the depot injection works for me!). I think he is actively trying to remove himself from this situation with me but he won’t leave until he has somewhere of his own that is satisfactory for him to live in.
He is ‘secretly’ going down routes to get out, showing people the ‘evidence’ he has against me. He doesn’t care about defamation of character towards me. Like filming me during arguments, attacking me in the kitchen and then running into the living room where the camera is set up recording as I am obviously distressed and attempting to retaliate. In the kitchen it was self defence, he knows that, which is why he didn’t capture those parts. He wants to make me look like I am a husband beater. He lies and calls me ‘an abuser’ and often says that I hit him all the time.
He would often lecture me (this is still something that happens especially when I refuse to obey or say ‘no’ to anything) for over 90 minutes at a time, harassing me, causing me distress and it felt like torture not to say anything back but even when I remained silent he would continue his tirade on me. Bellowing down insults and manufactured memories and lying about my mind, my status, my appearance, my privates, my orientation, anything and everything to break my spirit.
I used to try and defend myself back with talking and communicating and arguing with shouting back but I learned a long time ago that this would just make him worse and he would keep me awake all night rambling on and on and on in my ear until I’d break. At those times in history sometimes I did crack and try to fight it off physically for which I am ashamed. It would be a response to something he had put me through and pushed me too far where I felt I had to fight to stop it.
He always dines out on those few occasions, uses those facts against me and pretends it’s a regular occurrence. What is a regular occurrence are those lectures and one-sided debates. I swear it’s a torture tactic. To keep someone awake and in a state of aggravation for hours upon end. I hated it and my nervous system has become much more resilient these days but it has been shot to pieces and put through its paces just keep me here, writing this still sane.
I believe that our longevity has only come about as a result of his enjoyment of the manipulation of someone like me, the rewards he gained and now his need for me
has decreased. He always told me that one day he will get another mental fucked up cunt, a much younger and attractive one, tell them our ‘story’ how I mistreated him and they would feel sorry for him then he said he could manipulate them all over again like he has with me. This thought used to keep me on my toes. I wanted him to stay with me and would have done anything for him because I loved him. I always thought that I was too intuitive to be made a fool of. I guess I believed what I wanted to believe.
So, while he was withdrawing from sex, love, living peacefully with me. I was withdrawing his demands for money, beer, and cocaine. Does that make me a culprit too? I didn’t do it consciously, It was a knee jerk reaction to thinking how to make everything alright and loving again. I thought that because we had no money or nothing in our lives together; that could be assisting in our discomfort and making our lives harder. I thought by making our lives easier our love might have stood a chance. I know now that I was wrong about the lifestyle and right all along, he was using, manipulating, fleecing me and taking the piss out of me the entire time. He had my pants down.
Currently we are going through the motions of pleasantries but he told me the other day, quite frankly, that if I do end up on my own I am going back to the gutter where I belong, will come off my meds and try killing myself again and it will be all my own fault. He seemed pleased with himself for his summary forecast of my future. Now it is down to me to prove to myself that he is wrong. This is where Project Chasey might help me out one day.