Paved Paradise💗 [18.01.24]

💗"Would it hurt to smile? - Careful I might crack one!"💗

Jan 18, 2024

If you like your newsletters without politics or preconceptions or seeking a break from the norm you may have just found your new hangout

18 January 2024

Dear Chasers💗

It’s effing freezing…! so I’ll make this one a quicky.. like a little update and just so you know I am marking myself safe from this incredibly cold weather in Manchester, UK at -6 degrees. I swear if it wasn’t for my mum buying me a hoody for Christmas that looks like and feels like an insulated fucking igloo to wear.. looks like a Polar Bear giving birth to my big fat head here! LOL

No. I do not have a flashy GOBLIN BEARD HERE it is my hair attached to my head not dangling off my chin like a 1980’s santa!

…so lucky then, or I might have shattered by partial dentures by now with all this teeth chattering, fingers numbing, Boltic Lip Pursing, I’m forever blowing bubbles*, shivering me timbers business!. NB: *I’m not a WestHam United supporter.. but I always sing that song in an Essex accent! I am sooo so, COLD. I wish my house was padded with the same stuff that’s inside this garment. I swear I can feel my nipples defrosting as we speak! This newsletter is the closest I can get to being or at least sounding - cheerful. I am happier that usual but I’ll be fucked if I could tell you why exactly. I guess it has something to do with being home alone the past night or so and feeling quite like I was in my own thought queue. I wasn’t functioning well. I was going through the motions but worrying about being alone, wanting him to come home, but when reaching out to express those thoughts managed to continue causing massive arguments.

Speaking of flirting. My days of all that shit are 100% over.(o_0)

“Sad to say goodbye, good to watch you leave”

💗 -MUSE UPDATE-💗

I made my muse angry (he hung me out ot dry in public and put himself across as being upset) and that’s how I found out that I am almost ruining his life. So, I bowed out gracefully - as you do when you realise you’ve not got a rat in hell's chance of any real ART💗 ever materialising, when all the play and creativity and mess is made and you’re done and finally over that part of your life. When its all out of your system and you step back look at the finished product and think THANK FUCK i didn’t invest more time in the completion of what would have been a pile of dogshit. The moment you lose inspiration and come to a fuck oops fork but we’ll save a fuck at the crossroads, its sink or swim, win or lose, carry on regardless or ….I went for the or that sounds how it feels. Awwww. Not only that, I’m not sad about it because I was getting cold feet a while ago, do you remember that time when I told you - “lets forget the muse, there is no muse”

- well, I might have said that to you guys, and to myself and wrote it down and believed it myself but in reality, I just kept on flogging that dead horse. Then one day when the shit was still flying at me from all corners of the greasy fan (I just had a epiphany, I bet he considers me to be a greasy fan!) anyway, when my real life relationship one day started spinning, not spiralling (not only does that sound too fancy it gives the impression of being too slow, that I had time to correct it or do something within my control) spinning out of my control, chucking out shit like shitchucker clucks. I was too chicken to beg for forgiveness, too proud to pay attention to what could be happening *spoiler: he was going to leave me and take the dog with him* 🙁 I was too afraid to run towards him, too afraid to look. I was the ostrich with my head in the sand..

…only, underneath the surface (or above as the case may be) my feet were petrified and no longer felt cold, they were chucking up the dust from the ground where I stood, flapping like a ducks pedals under water, pedals? What the fuck am I talking about. OMG what do ducks have for feet. Fuuuck! *Googles IT: Palmate Feet NOT Flippers* well flapping like a duck’s fucking feet at some ridiculous pace like Speedy Gonzales

- chasing my waking state man (I would say Dream man but the muse was the dream and I didn’t want the muse) I could kick myself in the fucking teeth now for all the ‘manefesting’ I must have been doing, thinking about him, musing over him and ‘dreaming of him’. I’m like, note to self: Must Thank That Instagram Scam for offering up the Manifestation Abundance and Prosperiety - again kick myself in the shin for hitting the fucking heart button. I thought about all those times when my beautiful partner had been reclining on our sofa, sitting pretty like a loving looking toad on a throne; dishing out orders for me to be his remote control and pass him this and do that and bring this and take that. How ungrateful I had truly been. If only he would ask me to do something for him. Make me useful again. Make my life worth living again. I just wanted him to love me again and stay and I promised myself as I prayed on the toilet to the universe that I would sacrifice anything if only it could help me right this instant..

I turned and noticed no toilet paper.. YESSS! My prayers are being answered. THIS is the sacrifice. Yess! I would have kissed his froggy arse for him to call me his princess one more time. He eventually did speak to me again, my partner of a long, long time,... he asked why I hadn’t replied to his voicemail when he said he was leaving. I told him I was too upset and figured I’d get down on one knee (one because I need to get back up) and beg - probably wouldn’t have made it down, might have managed a polite curtsy and that’s about it… “what you on about beg!?” well, I figured you’d come get my Lola and she would race around the room away from me so I couldn’t hold her hostage. I’ve already hid your PS5 controller because the cupboards are too full for the whole machine and I was scared I might break it by accident and then there’d be no way you’d stay even while I am begging. This is me begging you! Please don’t go! Just let me finish smoking this cig and I’ll close the door so we can talk properly then. I was surprised that he wasn’t racing around the flat finding bits of shit to pack. He just slobbered his arse down on the couch reclined and carried on looking at me ‘gone out’ like in a weird way is what I mean by that. I told him I was so sorry and scared and didn’t want this to happen and would he change his mind please. Still he stared at me like I’d just asked him can he fuck me in his dead Nana’s nightdress or something.!!

I thought, OMG he doesn’t even think that I love him, he is in shock that I am so distraught and by the collectedness in his mannerisms - he doesn’t give a fuck (in or out of his dead Nana’s nightdress!). My mind was racing but I took my time, in slow motion, toking on the last of my roll up. I thought about all the best memories I could throw up in his face and remind him of how good we can be together, that he is my best friend and we shouldn’t split up. Never, ever!!! Yet, all I could think about was all the delicious food we’d eaten. “This one time in band camp… remember when I sucked in the entire frankfurter at the German Markets? I almost choked and whilst choking was farting and you said I was ‘fucking adorable!’. Remember when it was only the two of us yet we ordered £80 worth of Chinese food and covered all the kitchen countertops with yellow polystyrene containers. Remember how long ago that was and they didn’t use tupperware. Remember that time I escaped from the mental hospital and they sent police officers to my house looking for me, you were cooking up a massive pan of spag bol and I hid in the old shed at the back of the house, you told them you’d not seen me and was just “making a bite to eat” - what could have fed the 5000!

I didn’t get to say any of this though because by the time I had rehearsed it in my head the thoughts had vanished. I came inside the door properly, closed it and said in my sweetest, most careful - fragile voice ever imaginable (because I was walking on eggshells and didn’t want to rock the boat).. well , I can’t remember what I wanted to say first because THIS was what came out of my mouth:

1×

0:00

-0:05

Shhhhh……Turns out, he wasn’t leaving me. shock! relief Grandma’s Nighty

He was saying that he was leaving now, meaning leaving his brother’s house to come back home. I was trying to tell you to run me a bath for when I get in but it cut off and you didn’t ring me back. I couldn’t get hold of you yer big daft cunt! Come ‘ere Love.