"Picking Up Where I Have Fallen With My Kind Of MAGIC" x
Confessional Musings: (I fell victim to VENTING IN PUBLIC) Links to where I 'fell' and picking myself back up again. X
Hello!! To All My NEW & VETERAN Readers! xx
I bring to you tonight some sheepish sadness and a desire to correct my mad moment of ‘falling’ victim to venting in public, below you shall find some ‘extra’ after-the-fact content, because I have BECOME a better version of myself since earlier today, I am now more equipped to write down my thoughts and feelings. My mindset has realigned with what I wish to convey and I feel like the Chasey who I am most likely to be unashamed of by the time I hit ‘publish’ and/or ‘send’ again.
Here below, is my last, most recent, addition to my other publication - THE OG of all mys Newsletters - my first baby: JustClingingOn and you’ll understand why if you read the Post Script part at the end of the casual catch up ‘letter’ - instead of making abstract musings on the title I had come up with to explain my emotions. I feel I did the opposite and allowed external obstructions and conflict to get the better of me. I believe it was me who let myself fall down too hard.
Don’t get me wrong, I did and do intend on writing a warts-and-all account of my personal life, inner workings and be just me. I did NOT want to be this vague, angry, gruesome and one-sided. It was a shock to me that I had to hear all the insults and toxic energy again. I had been having a wee bit of respite to all the bad times due to my ongoing health scare.
I would usually give a few perspectives, more narrative and details to my side of the story. IN this case I just rage-wrote it. I admit, at that point, I had hit an all time low. With poor choice of material to share with my audience. I think that MY rock bottom is a loss of self-control and my soul surrendering it’s right to choose what I CAN do. A decisions wasn’t made. I was on autopilot. No thoughts at all. I wasn’t even in the back seat of my psychological car, I was hiding in the fucking boot (trunk)!!. I see myself now, more relaxed and ashamed of what I have divulged, because it portrays an unpleasant image of my partner. I also feel aware that I should have been more considerate to the feelings of my readers. If you read everything there and decided not to continue reading, just please hear my updated thoughts on the matter titled: "{UPON FURTHER REFLECTION}” see further down.
I OFFER TO YOU, MY SINCEREST SORROW AND DEEP REGRET, FOR WHICH I SEND ALL MY APOLOGIES TO YOU DIRECT FROM THE HEART. EVEN IF YOU WERE UNAFFECTED BY ANY OF THIS, I NEED IT OUT THERE IN THE WORLD FOR EVERYONE TO SEE THAT I HAVE CALLED MYSELF OUT, I AM ASHAMED, I FAILED, I FELL DOWN. I WISH I HAD NOT SAID EVERYTHING I SAID AND I WISH FOR ANYONE WHO HAS SEEN IT WOULD CONSIDR READING THIS** BIT OF AN ADD-ON TO THAT WHICH I OMITTED TO SAY IN THE ORIGINAL POST.
I would urge you to keep in mind that at the time of writing about my situation.. The Situation was still in process, everything wasa actually going on around me and I was trying to block out the noise by typing, its raw, honest and was written in a rage of frustration. I should never have sent it out without consideration.
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“{UPON FURTHER REFLECTION}”
This is my change to make amends if to nobody else then to myself.
My partner has turned to binge-drinking again because he is struggling to cope with the sadness and worry about my health scare ‘suspected Cancer’ is a big deal. We are both worriers and always see the worse outcome not just fear it but face it head on before it’s even clear enough to considering let alone digest.
He is NOT racist or anything disgusting. His lied way of thinking is deliberate and designed to distress me or those around him, and presents itself as horrible unsavoury and sickening comments or jokes. I don’t see this as a reflection on him as a person, I honestly see this as an affliction on a lost soul. He chooses his actions. He choose to lose hope. He disguised his feelings. He would rather be hated than to show his vulnerability. I see his weakness in the words, phrases, conversations he has with me and others around him. When these horrendous topics are covered, they tend to be repeated after drinking. I believe it is not so much just a lack of respect for ME of those around him. He says things that isn’t in him. It is not his true, authentic self, I’m far from a woo woo person -I’m not even sure if I said that correctly -ahHAha- do you say it twice?! It might sound a bit WOO(?) or woo woo(?) I just believe by him allowing his mind and his mouth to let things like that enter and come out, is a pure sign of the lack of respect that he has towards himself. He doesn’t care less.
I love the person I am in a relationship with. I have always loved him dearly. I am aware of the dynamic being complicated. When really its simple, He takes the piss a bit, I allow it, we are both in this because it is comfortable and love lives here.
He has been trying his hardest to step up with the supportive acting role which is now bestowed upon him. At which he is shit. Just his regular loving self (does the trick and he is excellent at it). When he TRIES it feels a bit crap. He is wonderfully loving when he isn’t trying. I get ample amount of comfort from him without him knowing. In his company, when he is silent, I feel my most safest. I feel serenity in his gaze. I feel peace in his arms and I feel stupid when I feel it, because its mental, or is it my kind of magic? Him amplifying his care, and concerns cancels out the authenticity of it.
He is a wonderful person. I adore him. We have our faults. Both of us. He accepts mine at a monetary cost! LOL and I accept his by fucking writing about it.
Cancer is big, and we all react differently to big things. You were in the moment; no shame from here.
My husband was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer in 2016. He's been in remission nearly eight years and he's still going strong. It's possible to get to the Other Side, and I see that for you. Much love from the West Coast of the US of A.