"Sidelined Valentine (side-eye)"
CONFESSIONAL: Relationship Dynamics Around Valentine's Day. Includes full atmospheric soundscape mixtape (audio embedded)
If you like your newsletters without filters on relationships and skimming the perfect bits to touch on the bullshit or seeking a break from the norm you may have just found your new hangout
14 February 2025
Beautiful Chasers💗
Before I get myself started on self-excavating, introspection (in retrospect, hindsight and/or the present) or all three(?) I just have to tell you something really quite funny to me. As this is going to be my musing my feelings about THIS valentines day, let me just say so I’m clear:
My opinions on organised holidays, traditional occasions, mass-celebrations, religion, beliefs, astrology, science, facts - everything on and off the planet of this world or not… is always changing. These thoughts and feelings which I wish to share with you now, are fleeting moments that help me put a spoke in the wheel of this relentless march of time, hit pause on the chaos of the reality around me, and the residual madness which inhabits my psyche, soul, spirit and mind (oh look! I do do a wee bit of woo! “ahrrrrga do-do-do push pineapple..” myself!)
My mood and mind change like the wind. Very much a common and familiar phenomenon, just like everyone else who I know. This is not top secret information or a revelation in the least. It is rather unremarkable that these words will probably come back to mock me or bite me in the arse one day… It’s fine this is my ‘get out of jail free’ disclaimer to me: Mind is flexible, free to change,considerate,adaptable.. and above all of those things; I can choose not to hold myself accountable for anything I say where my opinion is likely to differ in the future; because of this horrible affliction I am the host of, a self-imposed chink in thee shiny armour, the driver and the passenger of the schizophrenia framework that CONNECTS* me.. my thoughts and feelings can be noted to be a malleable - but only led by me personally.
*Wired Differently*
Like now, I’m going to insert unrelated probably ‘not relevant’ youtube video that I MADE MYSELF by reading out an old newsletter. It talks about love but I think it relates to the ex-imaginary MUSE. To read the entire drivel click: chasingthemuse.substack.com
But…back to us me and my one true love..awww, sounding sweet already!? it’s just me I’m revelling in the fact that the silly nobhead is NOW fast asleep and not being a twat. He’s so tricky to love, and yet I seem to do it with ease. When I’m not distracted or interrupted. You’ll see what I mean further in to this, but one comment my live-in partner - the OH (other half) said to me recently has reignited the HOPEFULL (hopeless) ROMANTIC in me.
HIM: “you think you can side-eye me every-single-time some bloke on the TV does something romantic for valentines day, or you see an advert. or another woman talks about her plans.. yet, I have tried plenty of times to do stuff for you and you’ve thrown it in my face that you hate it.
ME: I did appreciate the card and the mug you bought me the other year it was lovely and great. I only mentioned during an argument that you could’ve chosen one that didn’t have a fucking grinning sloth under where it says ‘I love you’ - like its me!
HIM: you do something for me then! you think you’re all into this valentine’s day thing but you’re about as romantic as bloody Gregg’s Steak Bake ! LOL
We have another kind of love one which I or we both possibly overlook from time to time. For instance, tonight. As soon as midnight turned a minute into the new day (Valentines Day) he came bursting out of the bedroom into our living room where I was working and without a moment of hesitation; he gave me such a sexy, excited smile and said;
HIM: Check the bank Bitch, our money will have gone in.
ME: *laughs* ok - why what time is it?
HIM: its gone twelve check it, transfer it to me. hurry up ‘luv’ and then get the fuck to bed
ME: I’ll send it over now. Staying up to get this Valentine’s Newsletter out in time for tomorrow.
HIM: It’ll still be Valentine’s Day when you wake up. It’s Valentines now, and will be all fucking day you can do it then.
ME: hmmn.. I’ll consider it.
HIM: right, if that’s done I’m going bed. Don’t forget you’ve got a busy day so don’t come to bed any later than 2:00 a.m.
ME: why? what we doing? are we going somewhere?
HIM: no. you are. You said you’ll go to your Mum’s house and get that big batch of bacon she’s got for us. You’ll need to go shopping too. I want it done early so hurry up and get to bed.
ME: Charming!!!! Night then. Love you too.. x
HIM: Whatever Chase, I love you yer cunt. I’m tired. GOOD.NIGHT.
PS - HIM: the heating’s going off now, don’t disturb me and put some music on for the dog. NOT that shite you had on earlier.
See, what I’m talking about! How can I not love this level of trust he has in me where he can be completely free and unguarded, unfiltered and very (sort of oldie-worldly/traditionally) funny!. He reminds me like my grandparent’s dynamic back in the 1980’s. They had a strange sort of LOVE in life like that. I know I am a little bit eccentric but I like I said I am self-pliable too. I enjoy the idea of progressive love. I would love to embrace modernity.. somewhat. I just don’t feel like it would suit me.
I remember a comedian once saying a joke about how to love a woman properly, ‘she won’t be happy with you if you DON’T provoke perpetual eye-rolls, reasons for her to sigh out loud long and slow, piss her off every day of the week; because woman don’t love Mister Nice its a shame but I’m right’. I thought so deeply about that sentiment for years. I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I didn’t have this constant and consistent distraction with wanting better for myself, with being a bit upset with his behaviour, with totally losing myself in my own imagination thinking of how the grass could always be greener for me too.
“she know she loves you when she’s constantly complaining about something you did or said or didn’t say or do”
“If we weren’t so fucked up; I’d never be able to mentally practice the capacity I have inside for human connection and I’d never know how much I am capable of giving love out”.
He does love. His love language is just control. I like a man who takes charge (and listens/learns to leave me to it on the odd and very rare occasion where I remain adamant on ‘putting my foot down’ - for example; he was mivering me to find him some form or cream, earlier tonight, because his big brown boil of blemish between his thigh and his balls has come back and it’s hurting him.
I had to tell him that he had my last tube of anything creamy and I have nothing else to give him. He agreed he will use it even though he hates Nivea night cream (so do I but it was a gift from my Mum to me last Christmas ‘a wee stocking filler’, and unlike him, I really do appreciate everything. Even though I won’t use it on me, I still can’t openly admit that its a little bit shit!). He asked me to find it for him.
I was adamant on where I’d last seen it. He kept shouting in at me ‘What’s it look like? Its not here, It’s definitely not here, come get it for me’. I told him it has a purple or blue lid.. he should remember if he sees it again. After disturbing me too many times while I was trying to type (with my Mum looking around her house for her glasses but on video call on Messenger with me) the dog sniffing by the back door hinting that she needed to be taken out for a fucking wee. I lost my resolve.
‘ I marched in the bedroom and immediately seen the fucking cock cream sitting on a pile of other shit he had discarded after pulling out the entire contents of three sock drawers (where all our other clothes squatted (no sign of any socks these days!) ‘
THERE IT IS YOU CUNT I FUCKING TOLD YOU
“He was about to insist that I had said the lid was blue. I told him again I said purple or blue (it was lilac) he should have knew! He opened his gormless jaw dropped mouth to argue and I swear I stole him the sharpest side-eye venomous stare I could muster up without coming across ‘aggressive as fuck’ he stayed quiet and began silently rubbing his undercarriage area with cold night cream”. I stomped away with a face like thunder, blood boiling back to my couch and laptop where I had to try to sit down, and loveling type about LOVE, and feel no way by what’s just happened, and write all nice about our love, relationship, intimate life, and of course our plans for the upcoming (Right NOW!) 14 February, Valentine’s Day 2025!
Luckily, in the midst of all this unwanted distraction shit. I switch to my favourite poet.
I was writing this a few hours ahead (about 11:30 pm) of the what soon will be another beautifully boring and uneventful extra-special Valentine’s Day..unbeknown to me I had a busy schedule involving going on an hour’s travelling journey to collect some butcher’s bacon in bulk (gift from mum) to bring home to him.
I think the whole point we’re all missing in my letter here, and it’s only just dawned on me. I should be thanking my mum for so many things. It’s her that keeps me and him going GOOD.
IF IT WASN’T FOR MUM’S THICK BACK (BUTCHER'S) BACON I DREAD TO THINK ABOUT WHERE ELSE WE’D GET THE GLUE THAT HOLDS US TOGETHER!! THANK YOU SO MUCH AND I LOVE YOU MUM.X
I was having a little rest while waiting for an important phone call (my Mum but that’s by the by.. VIP in my life honestly) and sat catching up with my membership to Matt Wall’s YT Channel as he so very productively offers as a member’s perk, an exciting, intimate,positively personal and inclusive DAILY LIVE STREAM for poet’s, writer’s artists and all other creatives /members.
He was talking about wanting to make these daily streams a bit more interactive and will be incorporating PROMPTS in future.
I can’t show the actual video as it’s private but if you would like to join us then please feel free to check out his videos over 100+ FREE WRITING WORKSHOP VIDEOS available, over 2k content videos in total including PODCASTS (one of those including questions from me via audio interviewing). I sometimes get a huge head and wee smile on my face as I’m stirring coffee or steeping tea for the other half; because of the memory and the feeling of being part of something so brilliant. An exciting time for his Poetic Anarchy Crew community with lots of new voices.. I stopped writing poetry so long ago that I just know I have lost it. I have been slowly stepping back into it with this today:
The Prompt was OVER- *i.e. what is your ‘over’. Is it over-thinking, over-whelmed, overactive… here’s my poem contribution (coming from me as a Writer NOT a Poet). It was so fun to do and I’m looking forward to doing more.
I love the love I love… that love’s me, and suits me. I like this kind of LOVE too. xcdx
Whoever YOU Are Wherever YOU Will Be, I’ll be here with you. Or you can do what they all do. ‘Fuck me… and do YOU happily’ x
HAVE A HORRENDOUSLY HORNY PARTY-TIME VALENTINE!
Party by Kim Addonizio I know we’ve just met and everything but I’d really like to fall apart on you now. I’d like to think you’re the kind of person who’d refill my glass all night, then pour me shitfaced into your car and take me home with you so I could regurgitate salmon and triple cream brie and chocolate strawberries into your toilet, and then you’d cook me a little something – I’d like to think you’re the kind of person who cooks – while I rambled incoherently about my loneliness. I know we’ve just met but I feel like maybe you’d feed me and tuck me into your big bed and only touch me as you covered me with the comforter. I feel like you own a comforter. I also somehow sense that your family was extremely dysfunctional in a way that differs from mine only in surface details, like which person was the black hole and which the distant, faint mark in space that might have been a star. I feel all that. I feel kind of, I don’t know, like my inner space heater and TV and washing machine are all going at once. Do you own a coffee grinder? I have an ice-cube tray. The last ice disappeared a few months ago, into the freezer mist. I miss that ice but once the mist gets hold of it, it’s gone for good. Unrelenting mist. Many-headed mist. Who knew mist had undone so many. I feel like my underwear would fit in your silverware caddy. It’s just a feeling, though. I could be wrong about that. Could you get me another drink now? I think we have chemistry. I really need a lab partner. Could I just, you know, let my molecules separate while you keep an eye on the burner? The flame’s kind of fickle. Here’s hoping it doesn’t go out.
Yours humbly, (and forever LOVINGLY) yet considerably yours! HUGE HUGS & plenty of kindly Love, Chasey Delaney💗
I will be leaving you with our EXIT SONG SOUNDSCAPE MIXTAPE:
Note: It's edited sound FX ‘rain’ sounds that make the opening 'crackle' on first track (not interference or poor audio! LOL). This mix is in HD Quality Audio (WAV.) you’re welcome! ENJOY x
More of the same loved up melancholy(ish) peaceful Valentine’s VIBES, albeit completely different of course. With my best of love and wishes for a very HAPPY and chilled out weekend, doing what you love, with who you love, and with reckless abandon!
DO NOT DRIVE OR OPERATE MACHINERY WHILE LISTENING TO THIS DREAMY MIX. LISTEN IN AN ENVIRONMENT WHERE YOU CAN SAFELY DRIFT OFF TO SLEEP…. #cuddles 💤
Most of all I really do hope you find something to enjoy here and here or here; or poetry? here.
Best wishes..x
Your Old Mate, CHASEY🖤
I'm ready for this!