FAR FROM FIXED.

12 JUNE 2024 - a few too many WORDS... Personal Update. xx

Jun 12, 2024

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12 JUNE 2024

Dear Chasers💗

Since writing about my relationship ‘problems’ I decided that maybe the problem was me. Today I sat in self reflection after yet another argument had occurred to which I feel responsible for causing. This healing and / or growing malarkey has me up in arms of what fights to stand by and what I should be letting slide. That said it was whilst sat in the silence of my living room, blinds closed to the bright sunlight outside, warm glitter lamps glowing on my desk and the cool room a nice temperature to rest, I put on an old music mix called NO NOSTALGIA that I made 2 years prior and for once I actually felt the power and passion behind it again. My partner came in and told me to ‘‘turn that shit off’’ he told me it was all my own fault why I was feeling like this and I wouldn’t be feeling like listening to that kind of ‘‘miserable’’ music if I had just accepted his apology and moved on like a grown woman should do. Again, there’s no reason for me to spill the beans about the basis and details of all this again (I do go further into some of the incidents where we’ve argued further on down the page.. I couldn’t help but waffle).

I am still sort of standing my ground (in my head a bit) about taking the moral high ground in this situation, even thought I might be foolish to do so, if I start writing everything down; it dilutes the entire situation and often proves that on paper my problems seem lame to everything else that people go through in the world. For my own peace of mind - this time - I just want to write about something else, something kind of hopeful and healing for both you and me. edit: didn’t succeed! I often tend to forget that there are people who will read these newsletters and they might need a mental boost or ego lifter, just like me. If all I am doing is complaining then that’s such a shitty take on who I am and where I want to be emotionally.

ME STANDING MY GROUND and keeping everything locked in.. SOLID!

IS THINKING MORE ‘EXPANDING’ MY PERCEPTION?

Watching MAFS and working out who likes who I always read the room badly, like really bad and have been getting it totally wrong. For instance, I thought the groom wasn’t impressed with the bride when in actual fact it was the other way around. I could convince myself that maybe because it’s on the telly in front of the cameras the information they’re giving us the viewer is inaccurate and that my first impressions are 100% on point. It makes me think, has this been the problem for me in my own social or intimate relationships? I always get the feeling that whoever it is I am speaking to they’re just humouring me and trying to work out how to get away from me. Even now with my 14 year relationship - the poor guy is forever being suspected of being uninterested. I wish I could bottle shit up sometimes and not express how I feel, or where I want to go to eat, or what is on my mind. I wish I was more like the real woman that he wants me to be. I just don’t work the same as cleverly put together self assured and established powerful strong and worthy women. I’m still that seven year old kid riding in the back of her uncle’s car looking out of the window up at the sky at night and believing that moon is following ME around everywhere I go. I try to apply some resolve to myself but its fucking hard. It is actual ROCKET SCIENCE HARD. I wish I was describing his penis here.. I do chat bout it soon right enough!

DON’T WAKE ME UP I’M ONLY 'DREAMING’…

I wish I could trust my gut instinct and not have to reverse every single feeling to tell myself the opposite. They say when we’re dreaming our sense of rationality and logic are diminished as we venture into the realms of an intense imaginative network running on pure emotional charge and fixation. My dreams are quite logical and stand reason whereas my waking life is the total opposite again. I wonder if my brain is just fucked. I wonder if it rewired itself. Could it even be possible that I live, think and operate as I would within a dream, and in my sleeping state the brain acts as it should whilst awake?

I know what it feels like to be rejected not just sexually but in every sense of the word really. Lately, its been masked more but…I know what’s underneath and I don’t like it. Always lurking almost hanging in the air, over my head and always stealing my confidence, my dignity and my pride. I’ve started to wish that he was a bit of a nasty fucker on top “that’s what he said” - the actor to the bishop ;) no, but I mean a bit hard on the surface but underneath it all I would know he had a heart of gold; whereas my motherfucker seems to put on a narc show of MR NICE GUY and then BOOOOOM! I’m stunned to tears within minutes by his reacting.

It’s the big bad man when he snaps. He can’t carry a conversation that might make him look a bit iffy in the light, or that he disagrees with or doesn’t sit right with his image. He is always kicking off. Shouting and screaming, and yes! maybe I am the cause of it that triggers him, and I will explain about something stupid I did to show how these things start, but my point here is that he can’t just sit in the thick of it like I do. I often believe he is masking the situation with his MASSIVE VOICE and controlling it by making me cringe and ‘cower’ behind the shadows of his tone and noisy voice and his anger. I think he is more of a bullshitter when he does this. I think it’s a distraction tactic. But, here’s how I understand how, even though his reaction is unnecessary it can be avoided if I just hadn’t of said the thing about the thing. The thing shouldn’t even be happening to me either. Let me just show myself up and tell you about it. Because, it would be so much easier for me to walk away and / or try to figure it all out if I was always blameless?!

PRIVATE LIVES OF THE CHASEY MIND (#bizarre)..

Here’s how I managed to turn a routine regular (quite pleasant day) into a one hell on earth fighting ground resulting in his huge kick off. We’d been going through the motions of being polite to each other. I think I may have attempted to instigate some cock action from him in my own ‘very sexy’ and confident, sultry way of approaching him. “Fancy a SHAG?” I said lifting my dress over my head so my fat bags of flab (tits) flop out of my bra letting me down as the nipples turned to point at the floor both pale and flat like they’d been run over by a fucking heavily loaded milk float or something; poor guy couldn’t have lied harder if he’d tried. I can’t remember the words he used to basically explain to me; nah, no thanks, not today, not for me, I think I’ll pass, oh no, FUCK OFF. Well, that’s how it came across and it made me very cross. Pissed off with myself. How can I begin to defend myself now? It’s like doing something I already know will make me feel bad but doing it anyway, like looking in the mirror directly before sitting down to write something immediately gives me writer’s block. How the fuck can I be myself now I’ve seen the clip of me? Looking in the mirror is the fastest way to fuck my writing up and ruin the entire cuntin’ day! DON’T DO IT CHASEY!

Angry at myself for buckling under the pressure of being so moody and angry and deciding that one shag a day (yes, I am lucky, we are having more sex than before) was NOT enough and dickhead here ‘begged’ for seconds in the shittiest of ways. I didn’t blame him for saying ‘‘later baby’’ yeah then him rushing out the door with the dog for a walk (running for the fucking hills - I thought) just upset me even more. I felt sensitive and embarrassed and rejected. Then watching Married At First Sight like I said before, trying not to cry for the one who wasn’t wanted, or liked or loved the other person more. Brought all my own issues and problems to the surface. “I wish he was attracted to me as much as I am to him”, I kept thinking that - I’m not wanted, I am being sexually rejected, he ran the fuck away! Might as well have done. So when he returned. I had been doing a lot of that thing that I’m not very good at - thinking. I remembered half a conversation from about 4 years ago, where at the time I though his brother had let slip that my partner wasn’t feeling attracted to me anymore. So instead of keeping that shit to myself and getting on with the rest of my day. I sat and stewed on it. I laid in wait for his return. He came through the door with a kiss and a promise prepared. The kiss was wet on my lips, pressed hard and hot and lovely as he stroked my hair.

The promise was for his cock to get me on his own accord, when he says so, but DEFINITELY later that day (which would mean us clocking up 2 shags and a full on 10 minute session all in one day hahahah!). I was warmed to the breastbone by his decision to provide me with some comfort and reassurance and that should have been the end of it. More than enough. However, I had too much on my chest to just give it up. So I apologised for having been grumpy and moody about stuff earlier. He said its fine. Don’t worry. I continued to unravel my mind in front of him and in a split second, rather than him telling me;

well of course you’ll feel shit thinking things like that, anyone would, but why do that to yourself? It’s not true what you’re thinking, stop beating yourself up.

which is what I would have liked him to say to me with a cuddle. He took great offence to my pattern of thinking and to the “ACCUSATION” (as he called it) of him not finding me attractive. He screams and shouts and kicks off. Causing me even more heartache. Sometimes I find it really difficult to blame myself. I always try to understand where the middle line is, if I’m not at fault and if he is not at fault. Who the fuck is the BAD GUY!?

USED CORRECTLY HEARTACHE HAS SOME SELF-IMPROVEMENT & MENTAL HEALTH BENEFITS..

Used correctly, heartache has some major health benefits.

Weight loss
Self improvement
Self love
Creative Inspiration
Self Preservation
Self adjustment
Future Caution
Lessons Learned

Even when we are not sure of what we really want from our relationships with people, learning a hard lesson can lead us closer to understanding what it is we actually need. Knowing what we don’t want is just as good as getting what we need. We can avoid falling into the same patterns and routines in dating new people in the future.

I believe that after a serious break up of a relationship we tend to carry the ex partner’s good and bad traits with us into the next. We move into the realm of becoming the parts of them that we liked or respected the best. For example, before meeting my ex I was quite hard faced, hated showing any signs of emotion and would definitely never want to entertain the idea of being in love or having a closer relationship than just having a fun time and friends with benefit sex was the nearest I’d give to anyone. After I was seriously love-bombed then ghosted (before both terms were coined) I became an embodiment of all those feelings he had ignited in me and wanted to give that back to somebody else - only genuinely.

What Happens When He Calls Me Names:

rape victim: ginger cunt: big eared bitch: slag: ugly bastard: freckles: fat cunt: mental fuck; schizo bitch: greasy fannied fuck.. the last one always makes me laugh IDK (and me like a daft cunt takes it all to heart as gospel, every time my privates get wet on their own accord (as you know happens to every woman) I rush off to the bathroom and wipe until dry, even if I’m going to sleep in bed at night I make an excuse to go toilet and stop it from leaking. Its made me worried that I am greasy. I have nobody to ask to check if I am normal or not (I sort of asked Google and the doctor). Now, whenever we are about to fuck I feel anxious and say ‘I’ll just go shower quickly first.. please wait’ but he has never let me shower or wash or bath before sex the times I just did it anyway - he refused to fuck me after it. He still likes me unwashed (I taught him that actually because he used to be worried that he should always wash his cock when we first met, I told him there’s nothing more boring than a soapy cock stinking of imperial leather hahah! I want man stink round my chops. I like the taste of piss and ball sweat and he smells gorgeous and hot.) Long story short (no, I’m not still talking about his dick now LOL)

He calls me personal names and I get shouted at for taking it personally. I am a very literal dickhead. He said once my hair was shitty and too dry when curly, so I straightened it during an argument, then it was my hair is too oily (not naturally but I oiled it with coconut oil) so then I tied the fucker up on my head, so next he didn’t like my big sticky out ears, so I plated it before our next disagreement, then I was called a fucking FAT Pocahontas, so I couldn’t try any harder, NOT TO PLEASE HIM but to avoid the name-calls coming at me. I gave up and just had it however I pleased. Toughened myself up and applied hardener to my new thicker layer of skin. Sitting minding my own business typing, he asks me to do something for him - I say wait a minute - NOW I’m A Lazy Specky Bitch! PMSL.. I just say thank you (and slide the glasses off my face within minutes). I appreciate all the practice at learning how to deal with criticism. I’m getting a bit better at it. But my way of dealing is - not to appease him - but to take away the power of his words, which means removing the specs when he’s around, covering my big bacon ears, keeping my hoodie over my head where possible, wiping my fucking minge when it gets wet.

Mentally, I always can only get stronger. First I crumble. Then I rise up and stand strong like concrete. I imagine a nicer man who wouldn’t do those things to me. I imagine THE MUSE who I believe would ABSOLUTELY think those same things about me, maybe more worse and the muse might, in real life, be more cruel to me than my current man is already! This muse is so in with modernity and living his best life. Even his taste in music is current (I don’t like it.. I don’t like loads of things he likes, does, thinks about things.. the way he acts and also how is doesn’t know I exist) which makes my being in love with his soul even more real because I know that I love him and I’m as confused as to why as he would be about it too. I’m like ‘‘Chasey?? to myself “you love him but “WHY THO?!!” I’m such an old and boring soul. I can’t even meet him in the middle at the very basic common ground of MUSIC.

SO FAR AWAY FROM ME…

The MUSE is also far more wiser than all of us put together. I think many people will sympathise with my fella’s side of the story (as everyone always does) everyone ‘gets him’ and not me. The MUSE is only a mental reality. Someone to love for the person who I used to be before life and men fucked me up. I could have handled him nicely and lived his fast life and socially vibrant style and might have fit in with his friends and family back then. Not now, I don’t go out and I don’t even fit in with my fucking footwear let alone people. I wish I was another fucking person. I wish I could be the person that believes she could actually one day be, happily loved and in love with someone else. Not forced to love herself and people who won’t ever love her back. It’s so SAD.